The depths of love
by outofthewreckage
Summary: A suicidal girl meets Dan and Phil and realises there is more to life than her past. Not really phan as such but cute, deals with some difficult issues though. involves danisnotonfire and amazingphil as main characters, mainly Dan
1. Chapter 1

~ Lacey ~

He hit me over and over again, ignoring my cries for help. I could feel the tears streaming down my face again, however hard I tried not to let him see me cry. I hated him. My love for him had dissolved months ago but I was stuck in a loop of not being able to leave him. This time was different. He was saying such horrible thing, such awful things, words that were sticking in my head. _Worthless. Fat. Useless. Pathetic. _I tried to ignore them, but that meant focusing on the physical pain.

I was lying, curled up on the floor, sheltering my body as he hit me and kicked me. I tried to roll out of range, but he grabbed my arm, making me wince and try to pull back, but he roughly pulled me up from the floor. 'I hate you' he hissed in my face.

For the first time in months, I looked into his eyes. I saw hatred, anger, I saw drunkness, but I saw no love. Not anymore. When he first started hitting me, he apologised, blaming it on the alcohol. I forgave him easily, ready to do anything for the one I loved. But now there was nothing. He stared back at me. There was silence for a few minutes. I pushed him with the little strength I had, and he staggered backwards, the alcohol affecting his reaction. I ran for it.

I sprinted towards the front door of our flat, determined to get away this time. I refused to be locked away anymore. I wrenched it open, and slammed it shut again. I dived for the neighbour's door, banging on it madly.

'Help me! Please! Help me! Let me in!' I screamed as loud as I could, terrified. I could hear him yelling, I saw the door to our flat open, saw his face, just as the door in front of me opened, and I fell into the safety of our neighbour's arms.

~ Dan ~

'Help me! Please! Help me! Let me in!'

I was woken by what sounded like a girl screaming for help outside our door. I staggered blindly out my bedroom, and opened it, only to find a thin, terrified girl falling into my arms and slamming the door shut. Immediately a man's voice started yelling the other side, pounding on the front door with so much strength that it seemed as if he could break it down. Eventually he stopped, and evidently left.

I stood there in shock for a moment, bewildered by what had happened. I became aware of the sobbing girl who had crumpled to the floor, just as Phil came out of his room.

'Wha- What happened?'

I turned around. 'I have no idea...'


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay so I'm just writing this as it goes, I have no real plan or anything, so sorry if it's a bit disjointed. I'm new as well :)**

~ Dan ~

I stared at Phil in shock for a few seconds as he looked bewildered at me, and then the girl. She was curled up on the floor, crying so much that her whole body was shaking and she was taking gasping breaths.

I realised how thin she was. She was wearing leggings and a t shirt that looked as though they'd been worn a while. Her whole body seemed shrunken, all her bones visible. She looked so fragile, as if she was going to break any second. I noticed cuts up and down her arms, and I choked back a sob of my own. What on earth had this girl been through?

I became aware that she was saying something. I listened closely, and realised what she was mumbling to herself.

'I want to die, I just want to die, let me die, please just let me die'

I looked up at Phil and saw that he had realised too. I crouched down and touched her arm. Immediately she threw her whole body backwards out of my reach, and stared at me with terrified eyes. I saw bruises on her arms and legs, and realised why she was so scared.

'I won't hurt you. I promise. What's your name?'

She stared at me for a few seconds. 'Lacey' she whispered.

'Lacey, it's going to be okay' I held out my hand. 'Please. I won't hurt you. I promise you. Come with me'

She held my eyes, for a few seconds, then wiped away her tears and shakily reached out her hand to mine. She looked uncertainly at Phil.

'He won't hurt you either'

She looked at me reassured, and then tried to get up. I realised she was too weak to even hold her body up, so I gently put my arms around her and half carried her to the living room.

I set her down on the sofa and walked over to the kitchen area with Phil.

'Who is she?' Phil lowered his voice. 'Where did she come from?'

'I don't know... I thought it was only one person in that flat'

We looked at her. She was staring down at her wrists, crying again. I wondered what was going through her mind.

~ Lacey ~

I looked down at the cuts on my wrists, wishing I could do worse, wishing I could die. Nobody could help me now. My family was gone, Jake didn't love me anymore, and I was sitting in a flat with two complete strangers. I was terrified. What had happened to my life?

'Lacey?' I heard a soft voice.

I whipped my head up, leaning back into the sofa. There was a boy standing over me, brown hair, gentle eyes. He didn't look as though he could harm anyone. But then again, I'd thought the same about Jake.

He sat down next to me. 'What's happened to you?'

I stared at him. 'Nothing. I can go now, I'll be okay' I tried to stand up. I couldn't let these two strangers deal with my issues. It wasn't their problem. I could just go up to the roof and jump off and no one would be bothered with me anymore.

The boy gently reached for my arm and pulled me back down. He brushed over my cuts, and I pulled away immediately.

'I'm Dan'

I stared at him. Why was he telling me? He didn't even know me.

'How long have you been living next door?'

I closed my eyes. I just wanted to block it out, I didn't want to remember any of it.

'Lacey?' Dan was looking at me. I couldn't make out what his expression was. Worry? Why would he be worried about me?

'Three years' I said it without realising. I clamped my mouth shut. Why was I telling him?

'Three years?' He looked shocked.

'Yes' I turned my head away. 'My family's dead. Jake is... All I have...' I started crying again, finding myself open up to this kind stranger.

He looked at me with an unfathomable expression on his face. 'Was'

'What?'

'He was all you have. You're not going back to him Lacey'

I stared at him, confused. 'What?' I whispered again.

'He's hurting you isn't he?'

I looked down at the floor, ashamed.

'It's okay. You don't have to talk. Come on. Get some sleep. You can have my room'

He helped me up and led me to a bedroom. I sank into the bed, feeling safe for the first time in months.

**Okay I have written like three other chapters as I had some inspiration but they don't appear to be available to read at the moment, I have no idea why... Anyway, yeah, there is more to come**


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm feeling kind of inspired right now, so here's another chapter. I don't know if it makes a difference but I changed my name from melodicdisharmony to outofthewreckage. Um so yeah, I hope you like it, maybe review or something I don't know...**

~ Dan ~

I settled Lacey down, and she seemed to finally relax. She fell asleep quickly, clearly exhausted after whatever she's been through. I breathed deeply for a few minutes, calming myself down, instead of being stressed. I headed back out to the kitchen where Phil was making some tea.

'That is literally the single most terrifying thing I've ever seen'

He turned around and handed me a cup of tea. 'What is?'

'Seeing that girl so scared. Seeing her want to die'

Phil looked at me. 'I know'

We stood there in silence for a few minutes, holding our warm mugs of tea, before Phil spoke.

'Dan? What's she going to do? She can't go back there'

'I know. She'll have to stay here. She needs help though. She's clearly had a bad time. She told me her family died as well. It looks like she's in an abusive relationship, anorexic, self harming, suicidal... Jesus Christ...' I trailed off, unable to believe we'd lived so close to someone so damaged for three years and never noticed. Phil was silent.

'Look, Phil, lets just get some sleep, we'll think about it in the morning'

He nodded, and headed into his room. I grabbed some blankets and a pillow out of the spare supplies and settled myself down on the sofa. I lay awake there for hours it seemed, not being able to get the image out of my head of her crouching on the floor, crying, wishing she was dead.

~ Lacey ~

I woke up screaming. I was crying, sobbing so hard I could barely breathe. The door burst open and I screamed again, forgetting where I was, terrified it was Jake coming to hurt me again.

There was a stranger before me. I stared at him for a few minutes, trying to stop my tears, before I remembered what had happened yesterday. This was the boy who helped me, it was okay, I was safe. The other boy, the darker haired one came to the door as well, staring at me. He seemed kind too.

'Lacey?'

I looked up at Dan. 'I.. I had a nightmare... I'm so sorry...' I started crying again, putting my hands over my face to hide my anguish. It was the same nightmare, always the same. My parents.. my sisters... the crash... I started to cry harder. I hadn't had it in a while.

I felt arms go around me, the boy, Dan, hugging me gently. For the first time in months, I felt safe in someones arms. I relaxed into his warm body, sobbing for my loss even though it was over three years ago.

~ Dan ~

I stood there, watching her cry, and on an impulse, I sat down, and put my arms around her. She stiffened for a few minutes, but I hoped she would realise I had no harmful intentions. After a few seconds, she relaxed, leaning into me, sobbing. She felt so vulnerable, so fragile. I blinked back tears of my own.


	4. Chapter 4

**The previous chapter was really bothering me, I didn't like it, so I just spent ages trying to improve it with this one...**

~ Lacey ~

I'd been at my neighbour's house for three days now. Jake kept coming round and banging on the door, trying to see me. We were trapped, and it was all my fault. I had no clothes, nothing, I'd been wearing the boys clothes, and I felt like an alien in their flat, I didn't belong there. They were kind enough, but it'd be a lot less trouble if I wasn't there anymore.

I stared at my reflection. I gripped the sink. I felt disgusting, fat, ugly, worthless. I really hated myself. I looked down at my body. It was covered in healing bruises and cuts. My arms were getting really itchy with some of the healing cuts, and it was really bothering me. I didn't want them to heal. I wanted them to kill me. I stood there in silence for a few minutes, and then grabbed the razor off of the shelf in front of me. I was sorry I had to do this, because it meant that either Dan or Phil would find me, and they didn't deserve it, but then again, they didn't deserve to be lumbered with me alive either. I drew it across my wrists, trying to go deep, just wanting to die.

I collapsed on the floor, crying and sobbing, until I blacked out.

~ Dan ~

I rolled over in a hazy sleep state and promptly fell off the sofa onto the floor. I landed roughly. I sighed. I wasn't used to this yet. I yawned and stretched and decided to make myself a drink.

I looked at the time. 4:42. Great. No wonder it was still dark. I leant against the counter and a light caught my eye. Someone was in the bathroom. It wasn't Phil, his door was still closed, whereas my bedroom door was open. It must be Lacey. I wandered over to the bathroom.

'Lacey? Is that you?' I knocked gently. 'Are you okay?'

There was no reply. I frowned. I peered round my bedroom door. She definitely wasn't in there, she must be in the bathroom. I tried the door, finding it unlocked.

'Lacey? I'm just checking you're okay'

I opened it, only to find her collapsed within a pool of blood.

'Oh my god. Phil! PHIL! Call an ambulance! Now!' I ran to Phil's room, waking him up, and sprinting back into the bathroom. 'Jesus Lacey, no, this can't be happening, oh my god' I cradled her head in my lap, checking to see what she had done. 'Oh god no' I wrapped her wrists up quickly, as Phil came in to the bathroom with the phone. 'Dan what - Oh jesus' He quickly ran out again explaining what was happpening. I sat there in silence, shocked, unable to move or speak. I felt her stir in my lap.

'Jake? Please don't hurt me... Please... I do love you I promise.. I didn't mean it when I said I hated you... I just want to die... Just please stop hurting me...' She mumbled deliriously, unaware of what was happening, of where she was.

'Lacey? It's me, Dan? Remember? Please, hold on, please don't do this'

'Jake no don't hit me... Jake please... Remember what I told you.. The baby.. Please... Jake... Jake..'

I frowned. What was she talking about? 'Lacey please, stay with me, it'll be okay'

I heard the paramedics at the door, Phil letting them in, everything a blur as they took her. I sat there in shock. Phil came in. 'Come on Dan, she'll be okay, we'll go and visit her in the morning' He sat me down on the sofa.

I stared blankly ahead of me. I was stunned that she wanted to end her life so badly.

'Lacey? LACEY? LET ME IN' I head Jake at the door again. I snapped. I jumped up from the sofa, pushing past Phil, and opening the front door.

'She's not fucking here you moron, she tried to kill herself. You have ruined her life, do you hear me? Now you leave her alone, she wants nothing more to do with you'

He stared at me in shock for a few moments, before I slammed the door in his face. I could hear him crying, until his own front door shut. A few minutes later, I heard it open again, and a note slid underneath our door.

_Tell Lacey I'm gone. I'm not coming back. I'm going to stay with my parents, she can check. I won't ever hurt her again. Jake_

**Sorry this was quite an upsetting chapter to write, but after this, things will improve. No spoilers don't worry, but it's less upsetting. I just wanted to get the beginning story down, to get Lacey's situation and frame of mind in. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay I'm actually obsessed with this story now, I just have so much in my head that I want to write down...**

~ Lacey ~

I took my first shaky steps out of the hospital. I'd been in there for three weeks until they decided that I was stable enough not to attempt suicide again.

Of course, that was mainly due to Dan. Phil helped me too, but Dan was the one who was there every day no matter what.

I didn't understand why, I was confused, but he was so kind.

I was trying to tell myself the opposite, but I thought I was falling in love with him.

I brushed the thought out of my head again. I couldn't go there, not with Dan, gentle, kind Dan, with his past memories of depression. I think that was why he understood me so much. He knew what it was like to hate yourself.

'You okay Lacey?' Dan's voice was kind, soft.

I nodded. He held my arm gently as he helped me into the taxi, and we made our way back to the flat.

As we came out the lift, I looked to my left to my own flat door. I paused. I could feel Dan looking at me.

'He's gone you know. Jake. He left'

'What?' I turned around to stare at him. Memories flashed before my eyes, all the times he said he was going to leave and then turned up drunk a few hours later.

'The night you... He came round. I told him. He said he was going to his parents. He hasn't been back since'

I closed my eyes. When I opened them again Dan was staring at me with a concerned expression on his face. 'Can we go inside now?'

He nodded. 'Of course'

He unlocked his front door, and we walked in. I paused again outside the bathroom and opened the door. I leaned against the doorframe, and felt tears run down my cheeks. I was ashamed at myself.

'Lacey...' Dan's hand slipped into mine. I took a sharp breath.

He smiled at me, and led me into the living room. Phil was sitting in there. He turned around with a big smile and came and hugged me gently.

'Hey Lacey'. His cute smile made me smile too. It felt weird. Smiling after all these months. Phil was like a brother to me. Dan was... something else.

I sat down on the sofa, feeling tired all of a sudden. I'd gained weight in the hospital, they'd made me eat. It felt strange eating after all this time. Again, memories flashed up of Jake refusing me food, telling me I was fat. I tried to push them down, but they rose, more and more, overwhelming me. I put my hands over my face and started sobbing.

~ Dan ~

'Lacey!' I quickly made my way over to the sofa, and hugged her. She felt so fragile underneath my touch, and I made sure not to be too enthusiastic. I didn't want to frighten her.

'Sshh.. It's okay... I promise'

She looked up at me with wet eyes. I felt something catch inside of me. She was so beautiful. If only she could see that. 'I'm sorry Dan'

'You have nothing to be sorry for. Do you need anything?'

'No thank you'

I nodded and let go of her. I made my way over to the kitchen. Phil was looking at me with a strange expression of his face. 'What?' I asked.

'Nothing... It's just...'

'Just what?'

'Just you two... When are you going to realise...?'

'What?'

'Don't worry'. He shook his head with a half smile on his face and wandered into his bedroom to work on his latest video.

I stared after him, confused. Surely he didn't know... I'd been having feelings for Lacey lately, more than just a friend. I couldn't tell her of course, she'd been through too much, but I didn't think it was that obvious.

~ Lacey ~

I woke up sweating. I was hot, too hot. I'd had the nightmare again. My mouth was dry, I needed some water. I crept out to the kitchen, walking lightly, trying not to wake Dan, sleeping on the sofa again.

'Lacey? Is that you?'

The light turned on. Dan was sitting up, wide awake. 'Is everything okay? You've been crying'

I touched my cheeks, surprised to find them wet. 'Oh.. I just... I had a bad dream... My family...' My breath caught, and I held back tears. I was crying too easily these days. I quickly gulped back a glass of water.

'What happened to them?' The question came from nowhere, but there was a kindness in his voice that reassured me that he did want to know.

I turned around. 'You... you want to know?'

'Yes' He looked me in the eyes, showing me that he did. He wanted me to talk.

I took a deep breath. 'There... there was a car accident... It... it was my fault' I paused, blinking rapidly to stop the tears. Dan said nothing, letting me regain my composure. 'I wasn't in the car... I was.. I was at home... I was already depressed.. I... I rang my dad... I told him I was committing... I wanted to say goodbye... They were out visiting family... He drove too fast to get home to me.. It.. it's all my fault they're gone...' I started crying properly. Dan immediately came over and put his arms around me, holding me close to him. I returned the hug, crying into his shoulder.

'I met Jake soon after... I was planning to commit again but he.. I fell in love with him. We moved here three years ago but.. he... he changed... He started drinking. And then he got angry. He never let me out the flat... i didn't mind at first... I was still depressed, I didn't want to leave anyway for the first year... But then.. I.. I started thinking more.. and it got worse.. and.. i didn't know what to do anymore..'

'Lacey, Lacey, calm down, it's okay.' Dan leaned back and looked me in the eyes. 'It's okay. You've got me'

I breathed deeply, trying to gain control of the tears.

'Lacey, can I ask you something?' Dan looked nervous.

'What is it?'

'When you.. When I... found you.. You were talking. You thought I was Jake.. You said something about a baby...'

I stared at him. I was unable to speak. Not that. I shut my eyes, blanking out.

'Lacey?' Dan's voice brought me back to reality. I sighed heavily. I may as well tell him now.

'I got pregnant. It was Jake's... But he... He got angry one night... I miscarried... That was two years ago... I was only eighteen...'

Dan looked at me. 'I'm so sorry you went through that Lacey... I'm sorry I never noticed what was happening...'

'It's not your fault. You were never a part of it'

He nodded slightly.

In that moment, he looked so vulnerable, so caring. I became aware of his beautiful eyes looking at me, his body heat radiating onto my fragile being, his arms around me. In a second, his lips were on mine, gently parting them, our tongues meeting and exploring each other. His hands delicately moved to my waist, holding me to him, my arms around his neck. We kissed each other, losing sense of time, lost in each other.


	6. Chapter 6

~ Dan ~

Shit. What had I done? I lay there on the sofa in the dark, going over what just happened.

_You kissed Lacey_

_You idiot, Dan. You absolute idiot. Now you've ruined everything. She won't forgive you. It's too soon. You fucking idiot. _

I mentally kicked myself. Why, why, why did I do that?

Although... it had been pretty amazing. I really thought I was in love with her. It was so much more than just some crush. Whenever I saw her, I got butterflies in my stomach. Her gorgeous hair, not just brown, so many shades of brown and red, like autumn, so thick. Her beautiful blue eyes, so pretty you could drown in them, but at the same time, they held such pain and sorrow and wisdom. Those lips... those soft lips... But not just her appearance. It was more than that. They way she smiled, a kind of half smile, the pain in her eyes still visible. But, when you caught her unawares, her smile blossomed, like a child, so beautiful and innocent, a reminder of who she had once been. The way she said your name, so soft and gentle. Her kindness, her vulnerability. How you just wanted to mend her, to protect her against the world, but there was a dull fire in her eyes waiting to be lit.

_Crap. I really did love her. What have I done?_

~ Lacey ~

I lay in Dan's bed, his smell intoxicating me. I wiped away furious tears. Why did he kiss me? Was it pity? Was he trying to help me? I didn't want him to do me any favours, I didn't want his pity. I wanted his help, his friendship. I accepted the fact that he could never love me, that no one could love a girl who was so damaged. But _I_ loved _him._ Did he realise? Could he tell? I didn't know what to think anymore.

But that kiss had been so... perfect... I just wanted more.

_No. What are you thinking? It's not been that long since... Jake... and..._

I started crying. The memories were overwhelming. They were getting mixed up. Dan's face was swimming in front of me, then Jake was hitting me, kicking me, telling me I was worthless but it was in Dan's voice. Dan's hand running over my body, turning into fists, throwing me to the floor.

I sat up gasping.

_No. Dan's different. He would never hurt you. _

I knew Dan and Jake were completely different. Jake was... scary. Dan was so... perfect. He was like a child that had seen too much of the world. His laugh, so infectious, so beautiful, making me smile as well. He was so kind and caring, looking after everyone that needed it. But I could see how insecure he was about himself, hiding it under the layers of protectiveness happiness. Who was I to peel those layers away? Those eyes, holding such kindness, yet deeply hidden pain.

I sighed. I didn't know what to think anymore. What was I going to do now?

**Sorry I know this chapter was just totally mushy and maybe kind of cringey, but I needed a kind of inbetween bit to show what they thought of each other. Kind of helps set the scene a bit as well I guess. I think I might get Phil a bit more involved though, he hasn't really been mentioned much as it's mostly about Lacey and Dan...**


	7. Chapter 7

~ Lacey ~

I was home alone. Well, not really home, I was in Dan and Phil's flat. They'd gone out to the shops together, and I was pretty sure they were talking about me. What to do with me.

I sighed. I knew I couldn't stay here forever. Especially not with the awkward tension between me and Dan now.

This morning we avoided eye contact. We barely spoke. I hated it. I just wanted things to go back to normal. He would never know how much I loved him.

I couldn't tell how much they knew either. Did they know I still hated myself? That I still wanted to die? Or did they think I was happy? I was hiding it more from them, I didn't want to cause them any more pain, so they probably thought I was happy again. No longer the damaged girl.

I leaned against the counter in the kitchen, sipping a hot cup of tea. I'd forgotten how quiet it got. How loud it was inside my head sometimes compared to the silence outside. I moved my head slightly and caught sight of my door keys. In a moment, I grabbed them and headed out their flat. I moved slowly down the hall. It had been three weeks since he'd been home apparently, Dan told me he left. Jake was gone. I felt relieved.

I stared at my front door for a few minutes, afraid of the memories it would contain.

I slipped my key in, and walked in. I left the door open, not wanting to close it for fear of being stuck in the place that held such horrible memories.

It was so empty. It looked like Jake had cleared it. All his stuff was gone, only mine remained in the cupboards. I opened up the drawers, looking at all my clothes. They looked so old, so tired, reminding me of the years I spent here. Tears started falling again, but I wiped them away furiously.

I wandered back out into the kitchen. My iPod was lying on the side, next to the docking station. I plugged it in, playing the last song I'd listened to. Lost In Stereo by All Time Low. I loved that song, I always had. I turned the volume up, losing myself in the music. In that moment, everything started overwhelming me. I started crying properly, unable to breathe. What was wrong with me?

~ Dan ~

Me and Phil struggled with the bags of food we were carrying, putting them down in the lift and having a rest.

'Dan? What's Lacey going to do? She obviously doesn't want to go back to her flat'

'I know. She's struggling. She thinks she's hiding it, but she isn't. I can see it'

'She can stay as long as she wants, I'll sleep on the sofa for a while instead'

I smiled at Phil gratefully but shook my head. 'It's fine, I don't mind'

The lift doors opened and we picked the bags up again and went to unlock our front door. Music was coming from somewhere, and as I looked to the side, I saw Lacey's flat door open. She was playing an All Time Low song, loudly, while she stood there, crying, head in her hands. She looked so beautiful, so fragile. I dumped the bags on the floor, and ran in to her, closing the door behind me. She looked up at me, but backed away.

'Shit, Lacey, no I'm sorry for last night okay? I didn't mean to ruin everything, I just... I couldn't help myself. You're perfect. I know you don't believe that. I see it in your eyes. You're still suffering, you're the complete opposite of fine. You can't hide it from me'

She stared at me, eyes wide open, tears still falling slowly down her face. 'What?' She whispered softly, so quietly I barely heard it.

'Lacey, I... I love you... I don't want to ruin everything though. Just please, come with me, don't let yourself suffer anymore. I want to help you'

She didn't say anything for a few seconds, then, so quietly I could barely hear her; 'You don't mean that...'

'I do, of course I do' I took a few steps forward, reaching out to her.

She stumbled backwards against the wall, putting her hands in front of her to block me, terrified. 'No, no, the last man I loved hurt me, please, don't, just go away, leave me alone, I can't... I can't do it anymore...' She stood up suddenly, turning to the side, running towards the balcony.

My heart stopped. I realised what she was about to do.

_Not this time. Not again. I won't lose her._

I sprinted towards her, shouting. Just as she was about to jump, I grabbed her round the waist, pulling her backwards. She was kicking and screaming, yelling that she wanted to die, crying so badly she was barely coherent. I was crying too, unable to bear seeing her in so much pain. I pulled her into the living room, pushing her onto the sofa, holding her body, comforting her. She cried into me, sobbing, slowly calming down.

'I'm sorry Dan... I'm so sorry... But you can't love me... You can't... Not me...'

'Lacey, I do. I know you don't feel the same, but it won't change. And I will never hurt you'

She mumbled something.

'What did you say?'

She started crying more. 'I love you too...'

I stared down at her, those eyes so wet from crying, the way she was obviously trying to be brave and act fine, but failing so badly.

'Do you mean that?'

'Yes'

**Okay I was a bit upset when I wrote this chapter, sorry. **


	8. Chapter 8

~ Lacey ~

I let the tears fall as I sat wrapped in Dan's arms. In that moment, I felt safe. But all the thoughts inside my head were preventing my happiness, it was like a black cloud, making me unable to breathe.

'Dan... please... I do love you... But I just want to die... please... just let me die...' I cried, trying to push away from him, not wanting to hurt him.

His arms tightened around me, and I tensed. No, Dan wouldn't hurt me. I looked at him.

_Oh shit. He was crying. _

'No... Dan... please don't cry... Not over me... I'll only hurt you...' I wiped away his tears, forgetting my own for a second.

'Lacey... I can't let you go... I won't let you go...' His voice was determined.

I stared at him.

_Fine. Do it this way. It's only going to hurt you more when I do die._

'Fine'

He looked relieved, but there was a pain in his eyes that he couldn't mask. Maybe he really did care about me.

~ Dan ~

As I looked at Lacey, so desperate to die, I realised I didn't just love her, I was truly in love with her.

I held her in my arms, just wanting to be close. She was still so thin, so fragile, both physically and mentally.

~ Lacey ~

He held me in his arms. I felt so small, compared to the strong safety of his arms.

~ Dan ~

I wondered what she was thinking about. Did she still want to die? Did she know that I understood exactly how she felt? That I used to think that too?

~ Lacey ~

I wondered what he was thinking about. Did he know what I felt? Did he understand?

~ Dan ~

'Lacey'

'Yeah?'

'We need to get back. Phil will be worried'

'Okay' She sighed. 'I'm sorry'

'Hey, it's okay. Don't be sorry. I understand'

She sat bolt upright. 'Do you though?' The dull fire in her eyes had come to life, like a reminder of who she used to be. 'Do you know what it's like to want to die? To hate yourself so much that you would rather cause yourself pain than focus on the pain inside your head? Do you? Because no one else does. Do you know what it's like to be alone? I know you went through a bad time Dan, but do you really understand?' She was breathing quickly, clearly holding back tears.

'Yes. I do'

Her beautiful eyes met mine. The fire died. 'What?' Her voice was deathly quiet again.

'I understand Lacey. I really do'

There was complete silence for a minute. In a flash she leaned forward and pressed her lips against mine. Her cheeks were wet from her tears, and they merged with my own, our shared pain joining. She opened her mouth slightly, opening mine with it, and ran her tongue along my bottom lip before biting and pulling it gently. She wound her fingers in my hair, and pressed her body against mine. I responded quickly. My entire body was heating up, my breathing quickening. I ran my hands down her body to her waist, pulling her round so she was sitting on top of me. Our lips moved in time, our hands exploring each other. I lost sense of the world outside, in that one instant, Lacey was all I could focus on.

Suddenly she pulled back. She stared at me, but not focused on me. I wondered what she was seeing.

'Lacey?'

~ Lacey ~

My entire body was on fire, responding to his touch, his kisses burning me with every one, his tongue exploring my mouth, mine to his, our hands roaming each others bodies. His hand brushed against my arm.

My mind became confused. It was Jake, he was back, his hand on my arm, feeling my cuts, being disgusted with what I had done. I could feel it, he was going to hurt me. No, no, please, not again.

I pulled away, Jake's face swimming in front of me.

'Lacey?' His voice was gentle. That wasn't Jake's voice... He wouldn't be so... kind...

_Oh my god... Dan_

'Dan?' My voice shook. 'Oh god... I'm so sorry...' Yet again tears were falling down my cheeks.

He looked at me. 'Lacey, don't cry. It's okay. It will be okay. I promise you.'

He pulled back into his arms, and I lay there with him quietly.


	9. Chapter 9

~ Dan ~

The next day was awkward. Well, not awkward, just neither me or Lacey were talking. Phil could sense something had happened, but he was too polite to ask. So it was very quiet in the flat. Lacey was curled up on the sofa, asleep. She was sleeping a lot lately, I thought the stress of being back out of hospital was overwhelming her, and now, seeing as I had made everything a lot worse, she was too tired to deal with everything.

I was worried about her. She was funny about her food, saying she wasn't hungry. Maybe it was the stress still. I knew that she was so thin because Jake had never let her eat, but now I was worried that maybe she was doing it to herself. I didn't know what to do. You could see her bones and her clothes barely fit her. She was so small.

I gently sat down next to her on the soda, desperate not to wake her or disturb her. I checked my youtube account and realised I really had to make another video. It had been a couple of weeks, the fans were getting annoyed. But then again, I was never that regular with my video making. And I'd been so stressed over Lacey lately that I couldn't seem to think of any video ideas.

I glanced over at her again. Something caught my eye. Was that... a cut on her wrist? I frowned. I'd thought she'd stopped doing that. I slowly got up and headed to the bathroom. Yep, the razor was definitely not where I'd put it this morning. I closed my eyes, trying not to react badly to this. She was worse than I'd thought. I gathered up every sharp thing I could find, and walked into the living room again.

'Phil...' I hissed at him, beckoning for him to come over. He stood up and followed me into the bathroom.

'What is it?'

'Don't let Lacey get these'

He looked at the collection in my hand, frowned, then, as realisation dawned on him, stared at me with shocked eyes. He nodded slightly, and we hid them in his room, the one place I knew Lacey wouldn't bother going in. She seemed less friendly with Phil, not because of any reason, I think it was just because I'd spent more time with her. But she respected his space.

~ Lacey ~

I became aware of movement as I woke up, and slowly opened my eyes. I yawned, and stretched. My sleeve started to fall down and I quickly pulled it back up. I'd started cutting again, but I was hiding it from Dan and Phil. After yesterday, I think Dan thought that I would try to get better, make improvements.

But I didn't want to. I didn't see the point in living anymore, so I was waiting for the perfect opportunity to rid myself from the pain. For the moment, this was the only thing I could do to help.

Dan came and sat down next to me. He was holding a plate of food.

'Here, some dinner for you'

I felt sick already. 'Dan, I'm really not hungry'. That wasn't quite true. I felt disgusting every time I ate, remembering what Jake had always told me. _Fat. Disgusting. Ugly. Horrible. _

I shut the memories off.

'No, Lacey, I want you to eat this. You've not been eating. Please'

'I don't want it Dan'

'You're too thin Lacey'

'Wh-what?' My voice shook. That went against all my beliefs about myself.

'Look at you. I can see your bones. Please Lacey... It's not healthy'

'But.. I'm..' I trailed off. He wouldn't understand.

'You're what?'

'Nothing..'

'Please tell me...'

'I'm horrible okay?' My voice rose in volume, my hatred towards my body making me angry.

'No, you're not. You could be beautiful if you ate. You already are, but please, I need you to eat this. It's good for you'

'I don't... I don't want to...' I hung my head in shame.

He reached over, put his hand under my chin, and raised my head so I was facing him.

'Please...' There was something in his eyes that made me give in. I reluctantly took the plate from him, and ate a few bites.

'Dan... I can't..'

'Please Lacey... Just a bit more...'

I forced down a few more mouthfuls, but I was beginning to feel sick. I started crying again. I could practically feel the food making me gain weight.

He took the plate from me, held my hand for a few seconds, and left me to recover. He disappeared, and I heard a loud smashing for a minute. He came back out to the kitchen with the smashed up scales and threw them in the bin. I stared at him.

'Weight isn't important Lacey. Or size. You'll be beautiful no matter what. I just want you to be healthy' He smiled sadly at me.


	10. Chapter 10

~ Lacey ~

_Where were they? _

I was starting to panic. All the razors were gone, I couldn't find anything to use. There was nothing sharp in here at all. I opened all the drawers, looked through everything in the cupboard, panicking, breathing quicker. I needed it. I needed the release. My arms were covered in fresh cuts again, it was the only thing that was helping me.

_What was I going to do?_

'Lacey?' Dan was outside the door.

_Shit. _

'Lacey, I know'

I froze. 'What?'

'I know what you're doing. I took them all away'

I flung open the door. 'You don't know anything, I don't know what you're talking about'

'Show me your arm'

'No'

'Lacey...' He looked at me warily.

'No. There's nothing to see'

'Prove it'

'I don't have to'

'Yes, you do'

'Or what?' Fear was creeping through me... I knew he wouldn't hurt me, but he sounded so upset, almost angry

'Or nothing Lacey, I just want you to be honest. It's okay'

I stared at him. His eyes were pleading. I slowly rolled up my sleeves, watching his reaction when he saw the cuts. A few tears appeared in his eyes, quickly blinked away. He was silent for a few seconds.

'Come with me'

'Wha... Where are we going?'

'Outside'

'What?' I'd been in the flat since we got back from the hospital, and it had been a week now. I didn't want to go out, I wanted to stay indoors, hiding from everything forever.

'I just want to go for a walk'

'Why?'

'I just do' He sounded tired. Something in me gave in.

'Okay'

He smiled tiredly, grabbed both our jackets, threw some shoes at me, and we headed out. We were both silent as we stood in the lift.

I started shivering, not with cold, but with fear. I'd forgotten what it was like, being in the world of normal people, and now I was about to go out again, I was scared of what I would find.

We walked out the building slowly, as if Dan was letting me get used to it. He led me down a path, walking in silence.

After a few minutes, he reached out, and held my hand. It was reassuring, knowing he was there. I felt peaceful, calm, for one of the first times in weeks.

~ Dan ~

I held her hand, fearful of letting her go, scared of what she would do.

Strangely enough, she seemed calm, almost happy. We walked past a fountain, and she stopped, watching the water. Her eyes were focused on it, as if she had never seen one before. It was as if she was seeing this all for the first time.

But then again, it was one of the only times she'd been outside in three years.

I sighed. I only wanted her to be happy, but she was struggling so much. I would give up my life for her to be happy.

'Dan?'

'Yeah?'

'Thank you'

I smiled gently at her.

'And... Dan?'

I looked at her again. 'Yeah?'

'I'll try now. I really will'

'Okay. I'm glad' I accepted this without too much fuss. Inside, I was so happy. She was finally accepting that she needed to get better, she was finally wanting to get better. We stood there, watching the water in a peaceful silence.


	11. Chapter 11

~ Dan ~

When we got back to the flat, it was empty. For a minute I was worried about where Phil was, until I saw the note on the side.

_Staying round PJ's tonight remember? Thought you'd probably forgotten. See you tomorrow. And you should probably film another video soon_

I remembered now, I'd refused the invitation because I didn't want to leave Lacey alone.

But Phil was probably right, I needed to make some more youtube videos. I'd abandoned it for a while.

'Dan?'

'Yeah?'

'Are you okay? You looked worried' Lacey's voice was concerned. Trust her, even though she had about a million of her own problems, she was sensitive to everyone else around her, always worried about them.

'I'm fine... I just need to film a video for my youtube account soon'

'Oh okay'

I'd explained to Lacey recently about my youtube videos, and she'd watched quite a few, not really saying much. She seemed a bit confused about why I wanted to put myself out there so much, let people see me all the time. I guess it was hard to understand.

Later, I made some dinner for us. I put a small portion on Lacey's plate, knowing the smaller it was, the more likely she was to eat it. I watched her silently the whole time, keeping an eye on how much she was eating, surprised when she managed half the plate. It was the most I'd ever seen her eat. She seemed to be trying to accept herself more. Since we'd got back from the walk earlier, she'd been quite, calm. I wondered what was going through her mind.

~ Lacey ~

_You do deserve it. You do deserve it. You do deserve it_

I repeated the words over and over, trying to tell myself that I did deserve to eat, that I did deserve to be happy. That I did deserve to be loved. That I did deserve to live.

I'd forgotten what it was like. Living.

But it was time for me to remember again. I needed to move on from my past. I was finally accepting that I needed help. For as long as I could remember, a calm settled over me; I felt a vague notion of what it was like to happy, as if a long lost memory had found it's way back to me.

Maybe one day I really would be happy again

**Okay this was kind of another in between chapter, but I think from here things will move on a bit more**


	12. Chapter 12

~ Lacey ~

I lay there in bed. I'd been trying really hard the last few days to start recovering, to get better, but it was getting bad again. I could feel it. It was like a cloud was slowly surrounding me, gaining control of my every thought. I thought constantly about self harm, I could think of nothing else. I was getting more conscious of my weight. I was thinking about suicide more. It was horrible. It was like my mind was unable to see positive things.

_You need help_

The thought came from nowhere. I was surprised. I'd never thought that, never accepted it.

But it was right. I did. And I knew that now. Dan had made me realise that I need to live my life.

_Dan_

I slipped out of bed.

~ Dan ~

I was woken by Lacey. She gently shook me awake. I sat up quickly, and she backed away, looking fearful.

'Lacey?' I was confused.

'Dan? I'm sorry... I just... I needed you...'

That got my attention. She had never come for help before, she'd always hidden it. What was different?

'What's wrong?'

She closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. 'I want to die'

I stared at her for a few seconds.

She smiled tiredly, and carried on talking. 'But I want to live. Help me...'

Inside, I could barely get over my shock at the way she was asking for help, reaching out for someone. I opened my arms, and she climbed on the sofa next to me, curling up in my eyes as we lay on the narrow chair.

'Dan?'

'Yes?'

'I'm sorry...'

'For what?'

'Everything...'

'Lacey, you don't need to be sorry'

'But-'

'No. It's fine, seriously. I love you remember?'

She stiffened slightly in my arms, and I cursed inwardly for blurting that out again.

'I know' Her voice was quiet.

We lay there in silence.

**Okay I know this was really short, but I'm finding this difficult to write at the moment. Sorry**


	13. Chapter 13

~ Dan ~

'Bye Phil!'

He waved back at me, and left. He was going to stay with his family for a few days, so it was just me and Lacey in the flat. It already seemed deathly quiet. Lacey was still in bed, probably sleeping still.

I wandered into the kitchen and made a cup of coffee for myself, drinking it slowly in the empty kitchen.

My bedroom door opened and Lacey walked out.

_Wow..._

She looked so... perfect... She was wearing a pair of pajama shorts with a big t shirt of mine. Her gorgeous hair was a mess, tumbling down her back in uneven curls. She looked so innocent, so sleepy. She wandered through, pouring herself some coffee as well.

'Morning...' She yawned, sticking her tongue out like a cat.

I stopped myself from kissing her right then. 'Sleep well?'

'Yes thank you' She gave me a small smile.

Right in that moment, I made myself a promise that one day I would make her smile, make her laugh, properly, I would see a glimpse of the happy person she used to be. I would do it.

~ Lacey ~

Wow. Dan was so... perfect. I struggled to keep my eyes off of him, but I managed to appear normal. In reality, I was stupidly self conscious of my pajamas, my messy hair. I looked a wreck. But then again, I would never be seen as attractive anyway, not with my looks, my self harm scars, my messed up mind. I shut the negative thoughts out, and went to get dressed.

~ Dan ~

I could barely keep my eyes off of her as she walked back to my room to get dressed.

I stood alone in the kitchen, when I suddenly heard a crash.

'Fuck!'

I nearly spat out my coffee hearing Lacey swear. It was like a memory of her old self had risen, spitting out the swear word without realising. I laughed, so much for her innocence. I made my way to the bedroom, opening the door.

'Lacey is everything- Shit sorry' I hurriedly made to close the door again when I realised she was only in her underwear, obviously half way through getting changed.

'No, it's okay, you can come in' She was pulling on my dressing gown, covering up her body.

I lowered my eyes. 'What happened?'

'Oh, I just knocked the lamp off your desk... Sorry...' There was a hint of fear in her voice.

'Oh, that's okay. No worries' I glanced up, meeting her eyes and smiling. She slowly smiled back.

'Dan...'

I looked at her. Was that... desire?

Suddenly we were together, kissing furiously, our bodies burning hot, our hands exploring each other, running over our bodies. I pushed her back onto the bed, kissing her constantly, her mouth just as eager as mine.

'Lacey?' I questioned her with my eyes.

She nodded.


	14. Chapter 14

~ Lacey ~

I lay there in a hazy bliss, unable to believe what just happened.

_I did it. With Dan_

It had been perfect. I really was in love with Dan, he was perfect in every way.

It was as if I could see a way forward, like I could see a future for me. A future where I was actually happy, where I was enjoying life. It would be difficult, I knew that, but I could make it happen. And I had Dan now.

I snuggled deeper into his arms, his body tightening around me in his sleep as he felt me move. I smiled.

~ Dan ~

I slowly woke up, feeling tired, but in a state of pure happiness. Instantly my mind was full of what had happened, the perfect night Lacey and I had had together.

'Dan?' She was quiet, but there was a tone in her voice which I could almost describe as happiness.

'Yeah?'

'I love you'

I leant back and looked at her. 'Really?'

'Yeah'

'I love you too' I smiled at her, and we kissed again for a few minutes, before I rolled away and out of bed. She watched me pull on some shorts, not making any effort to get out herself. I laughed and went to make some coffee.

I felt so happy. Maybe me and Lacey could actually make a life together, maybe we could do it. She seemed more at peace. I could tell she had a long way to go, but she trusted me now.

She wandered out into the kitchen, a long t shirt of mine barely covering her.

~ Lacey ~

It had been a long time since I'd felt comfortable with my body, but I decided that now was the time to let go of everything I'd been told by Jake, and believe what Dan told me.

_'You're beautiful Lacey'_

Those words echoed through my head, as if trying to get me to believe them.

And maybe I did.


	15. Sorry guys

**Sorry guys, I've been really busy, exams at school, going through a difficult time right now, and I kind of lost the flow of the story. Hopefully I'll pick it up at the weekend, please be patient xx**


	16. Wow sorry again, but please read this

I understand it's been a while, but here's the thing. I really lost the flow of this, because I went through a really bad time this past month, and I'm only just getting the energy and motivation back to write this. I won't write about what's happened, but I haven't been great, so I haven't wanted to write. I'm really sorry about this.

So I have one more week at school before two weeks off for Easter, so during those two weeks I am planning to finish this story off completely. I love you guys for being patient, and if you're still reading this story then thank you, not long to go now before it's finished xx


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